Lately, I’ve been experiencing a bit more of people than I like. I’m finding that solitude makes each exposure more saturating and evocative. A dim LED shines brightly if your eyes are accustomed to the dark.
The Good
I had a wonderful vaccine celebration with two of my friends. We had wine and just chatted over some scrappy snacks that I put together. We rambled on past midnight. What a treat!
I met with a pipe organ repairman. I write about that here.
The Bad
I posted a melodeon video on the melodeon forum. It was a silly vid with the dogs barking, T-shirt and flannel, and the lighting that happened to be there. It wasn’t meant to be some serious performance, honestly, it was more about the dogs enjoying the noisy playing. In any case, a senior member took it upon himself to explain everything that I was doing wrong, including my practice routine, which he didn’t know of at all. I took it to heart and haven’t enjoyed playing since. I hope it passes. I miss that joy.
I actually got thrown off a Starling page on facebook after a member wholly misconstrued a comment. I negotiated a return, but really have no interest in sharing about my favorite beaked buddies in that forum after this.
The Downright Ugly
I was struggling to keep up with a web development job’s zoom meetings because of my hearing problems. Instead of being willing to accommodate my hearing loss and communicate with email, the project leaders asked me to leave the project. I vociferously pointed out the unfairness, of this, at which point I was offered my position again. I declined.
Making sense of it all
It’s hard to be resilient to these kind of things in solitude. Solitude hones sensitivity- it’s the opposite effect of the dimming of perception with overstimulation. This drives the impulse to withdrawal further.
One of the factors that shapes the subtle divide between solitude and loneliness is choice. If one is driven to isolation by negative interactions, resentment and perceived lack of connections can easily lead to loneliness. Stepping into an evening walk, away from a noisy happy party after you have had fulfilling positive interactions feels very different than being thrummed out of a group you had hoped to share with.
Any lessons? Techniques?
Be kind to solitary people. Your interactions are disproportionately meaningful to them.
- I hate the toughen up lesson. That’s wrong. I’d almost rather wear an “I’m sensitive” sandwich board.
- Perhaps some meditations about how to partition select kinds of behavior when interacting- the mental discipline to put certain asshole behaviors out of mind.
- Getting better about refusing ownership of those actions/words of others would be good. The issue arises when so many situations happen at once. It’s hard not to wonder how I have asked for it.
- Being more careful about the circles in which I travel… I thought I was. These were groups of melodeon players, bird rescuers, and paleontologists. They should be pretty easy crowds, and in each case, I was interacting in positive ways- at least I thought…
- In considering these events, try to remain constructive and not self pitying.
- One of the most important lessons is to remember the contrasting sides of sensitivity. Opposing the Vulnerability is the Receptivity: an openness to connections that others miss. And truly, that is the greater good.
- A lesson for others: Be kind to solitary people. Your interactions are disproportionately meaningful to them.
I’ve had a couple downer posts lately. My apologies, dear friends. Things will soon turn around.